EverGlow
by UltimateSorceress
Summary: I'm asking how it feels, how it feels to die...you'll never know what its like to live your life for someone else...I swear on anything, I'll find you again. No matter which life I have to die in todo it...
1. EverGlow

_**EverGlow**_

_If you feel like dying, you're feeling so alone..._

Squall stared into the black abyss that had become his room. His supposed sanctuary. But lately, nothing was sacred anymore. There was no sanctuary because the one thing he needed to be saved from was himself and there was no refuge from that. Cruel irony, he supposed.

_If you feel like crying and your praying for some hope_

He was supposed to be the strong one, the unwavering hero. All he really was was a coward. The one who ran away from his problems, shoved them aside until they got so bad that he couldn't fix it anymore and all he had left was the pain. The pain he so willingly caused himself.

_Just think about the things you need the most..._

Sometimes it was like a high. A safe, warm feeling. The pain poured its way out of his veins, out of the incisions he made in his skins. It was a strange feeling, feeling as though the pain simply vanished from your body and mind. But like all highs, it was gone too soon. So he needed another fix.

_How was I to know? Everything you said were lies..._

At first, Squall had dignity, pride. But soon, he had nothing left. All he wanted was to feel the pain escape out his skin and leave him in peace. It always came back, and he needed more to make it go away. So he cutdeeper.

It had started small, like an after thought. A little slice here or there. Not enough to notice and most definitely not enough to bleed, least someone suspect. Soon, it wasn't enough. So he cut more often, thinking maybe that would soothe him for a while longer. It didn't.

The same nightmares and problems that he could never escape from, his mind screaming that he didn't deserve to live, that he was useless and noone would ever save him. Ever. He just wasn't made to live. In retaliation to his own demons, he abused himself. It was a sadistic pleasure that he couldn't get enough of. Just watching the crimson liquid flow from his wrists and arms, running onto the floor. He wished his problems were like that. That his mind could be quieted just as easily as he could wipe the blood off the floor. But such wasn't the case.

_Just close the door and let me do as I need..._

And here he was again, alone in the dark of his room, trying with all his might to shut his mind up, begging for someone to save him from himself, from his own demons that threatened to destroy him from the inside out. But no one answered. No one ever answered.

Slowly, precise as always, he drew the knife across his wrist, watching as the blade sank into his pale skin, a burst of scarlet flooding his eyes with color. He let out a hissed breath, feeling the pain leave him. It would be back though. It always came back.

Suddenly, Squall didn't want to live anymore. It wasn't worth it now. The pain would always return, his mind would once again roar into life, telling him he should die. That no one would miss him anyways. Maybe...maybe it would be better that way. The pain would end forever. Never again.

_And if you feel like dying...and you're feeling so alone..._

A deep breath was taken and Squall stared at his wrist, his mind flashing him images of his 'friends', the ones who never realized how much pain he was constantly in. Shaking his head, he looked back down. He wouldn't rationalize this. He wouldn't stick around to find out that it would all stay the same and that he'd live his life wishing he'd done it. So Squall would do it now.

A jagged edge was raked harshly against his skin, sinking in so deep, tearing his flesh so violently it brought tears to Squall's eyes. For once he felt alive. Cruel irony.

Again he dragged the edge of the knife over his other wrist, mutilating the skin in a somewhat fanscinating fashion. Squall never knew he could inflict such brutal pain upon himself and he found himself addicted to the pain, addicted to the way life poured out onto the floor.

Dizziness swept over him as he slashed his wrist a third time. And then a fourth. He didn't bother standing now, he just lay back on his bed, watching his wrist, knowing he was watching himself bleed to death. A smile sat on his lips.

It was over.

_I'm asking how it feels, I'm asking how it feels to die..._

_I'll sneak around this bedroom floor with the dagger in my hand..._

Squall's attention drifted sleepily to the green eyes of someone else. Seifer. The tall blonde had tears in his eyes. Seifer cried? Squall felt vaguely sorry he had caused the man to cry and he reached out a trembling, bloody hand to wipe the tears away, succeeding only in smearing his blood onto Seifer's face.

"Why didn't you wait for me? Or maybe I just wasn't quick enough? You're not alone anymore Squall...you were never alone!" Seifer whispered, tears falling down his cheeks, Squall's blue eyes intent on the man on his bed as Seifer took the knife from Squall's pale hand, pain in his pretty green eyes.

"...I'll go with you Squall. I always wanted to be with you. We'll go together...I always promised you forever, didn't I?" Squall reached for the man, wanting to tell him not to do it. Wanting to take it all back and give Seifer a chance to save him, not to die with him, but it was too late. Squall was too weak and Seifer had already slit his own wrists. The blood ran onto the bed as Seifer leaned back with Squall and wrapped him into his still warm arms.

_You were nothing more then how I used to be...nothing more then a way to run..._

"Squall...I don't know what's going to happen. I always hated not knowing. But not matter what...no matter where we go after this...I'll find you. I'll never leave you again, Squall. You'll always know how much I care..." Squall turned to look up at Seifer, only to find the blonde's lips pressed gently to his as his life finally ended.

_I can see better days ahead, I can be everything you'll ever need..._

_You'll never know how it feels to live your life for someone else..._

Seifer pulled away, looking into the closed eyes of the one he had once held so dear. The one who'd held so much pain inside he'd ended it all with a simple blade. His tears wet Squall's lifeless face and he could only be thankful that Squall had died in his arms, knowing that someone had cared. Someone had loved.

_I swear on anything, another bloody romance...I did it all for you..._

Seifer could feel his heartbeat steadily slow, feel the warmth leave his body and he pulled Squall closer, afraid. He promised he'd find Squall, that he'd never leave him alone again. It was a promise he intended on keeping.

No matter which life he had to die in to find him.

_I did it all for you...A way to run...I swear on anything, another bloody romance...

* * *

_

A.n: Aw sad day. ONE SHOT PEOPLE! Unless I randomly come up with some half assed crazy plot for which you'll all adore me and crave for more. Which will most likely be the case. So until then, one shot. Hope you enjoyed the sadistice love affair.

Oh yea, Music by Death in December and Bayside. Check them out on site rocks my socks!

btw the way **Jack Hanek:**I fixed it, see it says sorceress now. I noticed that error like a year after I had my pen name lol. oops. never did get around to fixing it heh.


	2. Deadbolts and Dejavu Dreams

Chapter Two---Deadbolts and Dejavu Dreams

Five friends gathered in the too small room, quiet and solemn, as if the slightest syllable would steal the air from the room. No one dared say anything, fearing the Fates would hear them and turn the tables against them. Fates were quiet found of that sort of thing, you know.

And so they waited. For days, weeks...no one knew. Time seemed to stop. The world had no right to move on if Squall or Seifer's life ended. And it seemed to close to happening. It was a miracle they weren't dead already. But everyone hoped against hope the Fates would be kind this day and the two men would live.

Dr. Kadowai walked out of the operating room, a tired, worn look on her face. The kind of look that gives you a spark of hope while your stomach turns in knots and your heart jumps into your throat. The group waited, tense, afraid. Hoping she brought good news.

"...We've managed to stablize Seifer. I don't know when he'll wake up...if in fact he ever does." The group sighed. One was alive. Now that only left Squall...

"...I'm sorry. Squall's gone. There was nothing we could do." With that, she left the group, letting the horrible reality of her words sink in. She did not tell them that Squall had spoken four final words.

The words that were for the blonde that wasn't waking up.

* * *

Quistis shook her head, refusing to believe the older woman's words. Squall was fine. He was coming home. He'd stay in the infimary for a few days, grouchy as always and insisting he was fine, and he'd get better. He wasn't dead.

Selphie simply cried while Zell and Irvine tried to comfort her. Fujin heaved a sigh of relief. Seifer was alive. And somehow, she managed to find it in her heart to grieve for the fallen Commander, if only for Seifer's sake.

The road ahead of him would be long and hard. He would grieve, he would hurt, he would pray. Pray that his life would end too. But that would not happen. The Fates were not that kind. Fujin knew this all too well. But there was hope. If Seifer believed, if he loved, there was hope.

* * *

A week passed and still the blonde did not wake up. Fujin came by to visit him everyday. Talked to him for hours on end, told him things no mortal ever heard. Or lived to see. They were too weak of spirit, of mind for the things she told him while he lay sleeping. But Seifer was different. He was strong. Fiery and intense, like the mid-day sun. A warmth both welcomed and hid from.

Fujin heard Selphie long before she entered the room. The silver-haired woman removed her hand from the blondes' and moved to a corner. Selphie came in and set a vase of brightly colored flowers on the bed beside the man.

"Sefiy! I'm back! Did you miss me? I hope so. I miss you. I really want you to wake up ok? Not just me either, Quissy and Irvy and even ol' Fuji---oh! Fuji!" Fujin resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Selphie delighted in calling her Fuji. It didn't set so well with Fujin herself.

"Well, I've got to go anyways...gosh, I hope he wakes up soon. We can't lose them both." Fear clutched at Fujin's chest and she forced herself to shove it down. Refused to admit she felt fear. Making sure no one was near, she knelt on one knee beside Seifer's bed, close enough to whisper in his ear. Had anyone been near, it would seem as though the air was shifting, tilting, changing around them. Of course, no one saw. No one saw the battle-worn woman vanish in the shifting haze that enveloped the room.

No one saw green eyes open.

* * *

Two women were lounged around comfortably, looking very bored as Fujin entered the room. No one smiled as she entered. Well, if it wasn't their _dear _sister.

"Come to collect that little human?" Fujin snarled visciously at the two, reminding herself she was in no mortal realm.

"Give him back."

"Or what?"

"...It isn't her you'll have to worry about." Fujin bowed her head as she turned. Hyne smiled.

"I must say I've never seen you quiet so dedicated, my dear. What is it we're going to have to bother my brother about this time?"

"...Squall...he must come back. It was not his time to go. Niether should Seifer suffer a life without him." Hyne nodded.

"It seems your sisters have made a minor mistake...Aria, Eden...go wake Arien. I do believe he owes your sister a soul." Fujin smiled at Mother, thankful.

Seifer would live this day.

* * *

Ulti: weeeeeeeeeeeeee update! I live. Everglow lives! Tell me what you think!

Sorceress Fujin: I made you a god! Ess, lol... well I made you one in fiction, you were MY goddess from day one! lol

Review!

i Ultimate !


	3. Lost

_**Chapter Three—Lost**_

Squall awoke to darkness. It was an eerie sort of darkness, settling over Squall's skin like a veil. Frowning, Squall tried to remember where he was; who he was. The who came back easily but the where or why were not as kind to him. In fact, Squall couldn't not remember anything. At all. And the more he tried to remember, the more the knowledge evaded him, as if it danced out of his grasp just to taunt him.

"Awake I see. You slept a great deal." The voice didn't startle Squall as he knew it should have. Turning he looked at the man, feeling oddly connected to him. As if they were old friends.

"Ah, but we are old friends Squall. This may be a bit different from the last times you graced me with your presence here but alas I fear it will be the last of our visits." The man seemed genuinely saddened by this and Squall felt a pang of recognition but it was gone just as quickly as it had come.

"Visits?" Squall's voice did not crack as he suspected it ought to have, if he had truly been asleep that long. The man raised a brow, as if something were off about Squall.

"But of course, old friend. You've forgotten already?" A frown danced on his haunting face and Squall took a step back. Something was wrong.

"Tell me your name boy." It was a demand and it made Squall bristle. He didn't like being ordered around.

"Lionheart. Squall Lionheart." Folding his arms over his chest, he felt somewhat like a petulant child but he kept his icy glare firmly in place.

"And I am..."

"Getting on my nerves." Squall offered, shrugging and turning to look at his surroundings. The place was dark and not much was to be made out. There was a river here, its glow dark and ominous. Squall took a step back.

"You don't remember?" The question was not so much directed at Squall but the alarmed timber in it made Squall worry. This man...he had the feeling this man was startled by much.

"Squall!! Arien, thank you. I know this is getting old but its going to work this time." The woman approaching them smiled at Squall and this Arien. Something told Squall the smile was out of place on her pale, lovely face.

"Squall, I can't believe you were so stupid. If you had waited even two minutes more...I can't believe were doing this again. Come on." She turned on a boot heel and briefly, Squall felt he was drowning in the onslaught of words. It was overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness; the feeling of not knowing, not understanding anything that was happening. He did not follow the woman.

"Who are you?" Squall asked and as the woman halted misstep and slowly turned around to look at him , her face carefully neutral, Squall knew something was horribly wrong.

* * *

Seifer awoke to a dull pain. Briefly he wondered why he was in the hospital but then it all came crashing back to him and a scream tore at his throat as he bolted up right, making the world swim in the process. There were hands on him then and Seifer immediately knew it wasn't who it ought to be. Looking into the blue eyes of Quistis, Seifer searched for answers. There was only relief and sorrow.

"What happened?" He asked, voiced hoarse and cracking. She handed him some water and sat back down, rubbing her temples in a fashion that made Seifer feel oddly...at peace.

"You tired to kill yourself Seifer." The words hit him like a brick wall. Why would he do such a thin—the pain that came next was far more excruciating than the pain in his body.

"Squall?" Seifer spoke through clenched teeth. He fervently prayed to anyone who would listen that Squall was ok, that he was awake and as grouchy as always.

"Squall...Squall doesn't look like he's going to make it." Quistis bit her lip. It made Seifer think she was lying about something. He said as much.

"What aren't you telling me?"

"Squall died. He was dead for ten minutes. They had done everything they could but his body couldn't handle the stress. Kadowaki came out to tell us that he was dead and you were in a coma and when she went back into the OR with Squall, his heart was beating again. He's still unconscious."

"But he's alive?"

"Barely but yes." Quistis peered at him carefully as Seifer threw back the covers on his bed and tried to stand. She opened her mouth to protest but Seifer fixed her with a decidedly nasty glare.

"I'm not going to sit here on my ass while Squall is somewhere else. He needs me." Seifer yanked out tubes and wires and other such nonsense that kept him from his goal. He had never once stayed put in the infirmary like he was supposed to and he wasn't going to start while Squall was lying in a coma, alone again. He'd promised Squall he'd never be alone again and he'd make good on that.

"Seifer you shouldn't." Quistis, nonetheless, helped the blonde to Squall's room anyways, know that arguing with Seifer was like trying to get the sun to stand still.

* * *

"I'm Fujin Squall. You know that." The way Fujin said this made it seem as if Squall were a dangerous animal. She said it very slowly and without a single timber of emotion. Squall frowned and shook his head.

"I don't know you."

"Squall we've known each other for years."

"I don't remember you." He pressed, staring at the woman. Surely he'd remember someone so...rare. Her hair was the color of pure moonlight and her visible eye a deep and comforting blue. Surely he'd remember that. But nothing seemed familiar now. Nothing at all. Looking to the dark haired man that exchanged worried glances with her, Squall didn't remember him either but he wasn't so...unforgettable. He was fairly ordinary and that made Squall feel a bit better.

"He doesn't remember us, sister dear. Doesn't that sting?" His voice held a hint of mockery but it was laced with real hurt. Squall didn't understand why.

"That's not good Arien. That's not at all good." She whispered. Looking at Squall a again, the woman sighed and held out her hand. Tentatively, he took it.

"It's time to go back now Squall. We've waited too long. Time is running out."

As she led him away to...wherever they had left from, Squall felt a sinking feeling mix with a tendril of hope.

Back.

Back to...he frowned.

Back to what?

* * *

A.n: SO!!!! It's taken me horrideously long to update ANYTHING lately with school and the baby and TWO jobs BUT I am back my loves and EG lives!! It was originally a one shot but I decided I liked it enough to continue! Review and tell me what you think my darlings!!!

Ulti-


	4. Quote

_**Chapter Four---Quote**_

Fujin stood at edge of the cliff, looking over the grey-purple haze of fog. This was the edge between life and death, the line between her realm and Squall's. How many times had she stood her with Squall or Seifer? It seemed as if it was too many to count but each soul only had seven 'resets' if you will. Squall was on number seven. If he didn't make it this time, there was no bringing him back. He would stay in Ariens realm for eternity. Death would not be evaded forever and once it had its hold on Squall, it would not be relinquished. Squall hesitantly stepped beside her.

"What is this place?" He peered over the edge, seeing nothing but fog. It seemed familiar but just as elusive as his memories. Fujin put a hand on his shoulder, dual toned eyes looking at him closely.

"This is the division between your world and mine. This is the last time you can return home Squall. You have to stay in your world this time." She said quietly, not meeting Squall's gaze.

"What do you mean?"

"You need to stay, Squall. Remember that. You can not cross the line again." With that Fujin pressed her lips to Squall's, her breath seeping into his lungs like a cold fire as she pushed him off the cliff.

* * *

Dr. Kadowaki was startled by the double stacatto of the heart monitor but it resumed its normal beat a second later and she ignored it. But then the crisp double beat hit again. And again. Squall's heart rate skyrocketed in seconds, the beep of the machine pulsing wildly before nosediving back to normal. She stared at Squall for several long moments before he opened his eyes, blinking harshly against the blinding lights. Tears stung the back of her eyes as she dimmed the lights and started checking Squall's vital's again. They were strong and normal.

"Where am I?" Squall asked and with relief he noted that it cracked and hurt to use. Grey eyes took in the comforting sight of a hospital room, fogless and clear. His body felt stiff and he felt a dull throb in his arms but that was ignored as he began to panic.

"You're in the hospital son, just relax, we're taking good care of you." Kadowaki smiled reassuringly but Squall's heart rate steadily began to climb.

"Why? Why am I here? Who are you?" There was a note of hysteria in his voice as Kadowaki tried to quiet him.

"You tried to kill yourself. I'm Dr. Kadowaki, remember? We've known each other for years honey." She brushed his haird back but he flinched away from her touch.

"I don't remember you."

"Give it time. Can you tell me what day it is?"

"No?"

"What year?"

"No?"

"What do you remember?" The doctor pressed growing more alarmed as the heart rate climbed ever higher.

"...Nothing." He whispered, the monitor begining to go wild again when the door opened, two blondes stepped in and the wild, frantic monitor ceased its harried beating for two seconds and then resumed normal, like it had never risen or stopped in the first place.

"Squall!" Seifer rushed forward, looking at Squall intently, as if to make sure he were real. Squall stared back, unsure if the feeling of recognition was real or imagine and if his heart was supposed to be hammering at his chest like it was or if he was supposed to be glad to see this man.

"They told me you hadn't woken up yet. I was so scared. I thought I lost you again." Seifer took Squall's smaller hand in his and thanked the gods he was alright.

"Again?" Squall intoned, peering at him curiously. Seifer frowned.

"...Yes, again. You know this, Squall."

"...I don't remember."

"Squall, of course you do. You slit your wrists. I found you already almost dead and..I..." Seifer trailed off, looking at his own banadaged wrists. Squall didn't think this sounded like him, trying to kill himself but knowing that this man, whoever he was had almost killed himself to follow Squall man the brunette a bit awestruck. What a love that must be.

" I don't remember." Squall repeated and when Seifer's face felt, the heart monitor gave away the way his heart lurched before he squeezed the blondes hand, trying to recall why he should care about this man at all. Nothing cameback. It made him angry, that he could not remember who these people were, who Fujin and Arien were and why the hospital seemed so familiar. But when green eyes meet his he knew that this was where he belonged; wherever Seifer was.

* * *

Fujin watched from the doorway. Squall had never not remembered before. That must be a result of his soul's final journey to the mortal realm. It wouldn't have been a problem any of the times before but this was different. They couldn't afford to loose Seifer or Squall again. They had to stay in this realm, together, or in the afterlife, forever apart. Neither this world or the next could bear that kind of agony. Fujin smiled as she watched Seifer and Squall fall asleep, each quiet and contemplative, not saying anything. This was bound to take a while but Fujin would be there, like all the times before, and things would work out alright; like all the times before.

She entered the room quietly and leaning over Squall, blew her cold breath over his lips again, hoping the memories would follow.

* * *

Squall tossed fitfully, dreams dancing in and out of focus rapidly, like a movie on rewind before it slammed to a halt and Squall was...outside. Hearing a commotion behind him, he was startled to see himself and the blonde fighting, swords clashing and sparking as the rain poured down. He couldn't hear what was said and he didn't know why they were fighting but the rage in their eyes was clear. The fight wasn't long because the blonde sword slid down the length of Squall's and sank into the brunette's chest. Shock was in the dream Squall's eyes as he fell and Seifer rushed to catch him. Dream Squall was dead before he could see Seifer begin to weep.

The scene changed rapidly, and Squall saw himself standing at a cliff, talking to someone. It was Seifer. Tears were in both their eyes and Squall couldn't tell if they were fighting or pleading. He couldn't hear himself scream as Seifer stepped off the cliff. But he felt his heart give a familiar lurch.

Scene after scene played through his mind, always varying in circumstance and time, spanning across years or perhaps centuries. It was always different but one thing stayed the same.

Someone always died.

* * *

A.n: short update but enjoy and REVIEW!!! I'm really liking where this is going so far and it's boosting my muse!! So far today Angel's Cry and EverGlow have been updated!!! Enjoy!!

-Ulti!


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